For example, every guy that I dated before Matt taught me something about what I want (and don’t want) in a husband.  At the time, those relationships seemed pointless after they ended and many times it was painful. I’ve experienced relationships that seemed like a dead-end road and a waste of time while I was going through them. But looking back, they weren’t a waste of time. They showed me things about myself and helped shape me into a better woman for Matt.

And every job that I had up to this point in my life has done the same thing. They taught me something about what I want (and don’t want) in a career. I remember working 70+ hours a week at the YMCA wondering how being a glorified Pool Manager could be going anywhere in my life. I couldn’t see it at the time, but that job taught me things about myself and shaped me into a better professional for my position today.

Some of those experiences are painful and many are frustrating.  When we are going through them, all that we can think about is fixing the problem and rushing past the moment to get it over with. But we have to remember that our vantage point is small. It’s not until we are on the other side of that experience that we can look back and smile, thankful for those moments where life-change happened which made today’s dreams possible.

There’s no shortcut to anywhere worth going. It’s difficult at the time but if you let it, every experience can teach you, shape you and lead to you the life you want.

Is it more important to look like you have it all together, to display success and achievement, to appear happy and fulfilled? 

OR

Is it more important to actually be these things?

And the real question is this:

Which do you spend more time on?

Do you spend more time buying all of the right things to look like you have it all together or are you actually developing your character, growing as a person and investing in your (real-life) relationships?

We live in a country that gives us the means to have what we want when we want it (debt) and therefore allows us to look like someone that we are not. We can drive a Lexus, carry Kate Spade purses and live in Green Hills. All the while our net worth is in the red $60,000 because of the debt that carries that lifestyle.

We also connect more on the Internet than we do face to face, so it’s easy to slip into the temptation to update our multiple online profiles and pictures to reflect a life that we want people to perceive that we have. We check photo comments and status update activity to evaluate our popularity.

Be careful not to let your priority and motivation transfer from being the person you want to be to showing off a version of you that you want people to see.

True integrity, success, achievement, character and leadership rises to the top and shines through the authentic person. It doesn’t need to be dressed up or shown off.

And most often, it’s actually messy and approachable – the very opposite from what most of us try to portray through our many masks that we wear.

“If only when” tells us that when ___________ happens, we can finally be happy. We can finally find peace. We will be satisfied. We will be okay. We will feel good about ourselves. We will have enough money. We will have arrived.

“If only I could get married, I will be happy.”

“If only I could get a new job, I would have enough money.”

“If only I could have a dependable car, I wouldn’t be stressed.”

“If only when…”

The problem with believing the “if only when” mentality is that it’s a lie.

Because it’s never enough.

It’s easy to look at a tall thin beautiful girl and think, “If I looked like that, it would be easy to be confident and feel pretty.” But don’t you know that that same tall thin beautiful girl looks at another girl, taller, thinner, “prettier” and thinks, “If I looked like that, it would be easy to be confident and feel pretty.”

Even the perfect models on magazine covers are Photoshopped. Why?

Because even they aren’t enough.

And richness is also a perspective. I don’t know about you, but I used to think of “richness” or “financial security” as an income level – not a subjective perspective. However, there was a study reported by Wall Street Journal reporter Robert Frank where PNC Advisors asked individuals at different income levels if they considered themselves “financially secure” or “rich.” They asked individuals that made $500,000 a year if they considered themselves “rich” and the answer was always “No, no we aren’t rich.” They then asked, “Well what would you need to make in order to feel rich?” They answered “$1,000,000.”

Then they asked individuals that made $1,000,000 a year if they considered themselves rich and the answer was always “No, no we aren’t rich.” When the advisors asked how much they needed to make in order to feel rich, the answer was $2,000,000. They continued surveying people at the next income level until they asked individuals that made $10,000,000 a year.

(Anyone not think $10,000,000 a year is rich?!)

They asked them, “Are you rich? Are you financially secure?”

The answer was, “No, no we aren’t rich.”

They asked again, “How much would you need to make to be financially secure?”

“18 million. If we made 18 million, we’d be financially secure.”

The answer was always around double what they currently made.

See? It’s never enough. There’s always more to do, get, have, pursue, change and chase after. And if you let your happiness or peace or contentment depend on any of the ever-changing variables in your life such as your situation, material things, appearance or finances, you will never be happy.

When I went to the Dominican Republic last summer, I was blown away by the deep joy that these people had. They lived in huts, surrounded by garbage with no shoes on their feet and they didn’t know where their next meal would come from. But they had a joy that was completely separate from their circumstances.

They weren’t happy because they got a promotion or unhappy because they didn’t.

They weren’t smiling because they looked a certain way or embarrassed because they didn’t.

They weren’t at peace because they had all of the answers or stressed because they didn’t.

They were just happy, smiling and at peace because they chose to be.

You won’t have peace, be satisfied, feel good about yourself or have enough money “if only when” because every single one of those aspects of your life is a perspective and a choice. And it’s your choice today, in your current situation, in your current body, with your current bank account.

Refuse to fall into the trap of “if only when,” and choose to be content today.

A few years ago,  *Megan, a friend of mine, was telling me about a conversation with her boyfriend. He’d made a few comments about how he thought it was cool that I lived on a farm. Megan gave him a hard time and jokingly said, “Do you want to date my friend?!”

Of course he said no and she was just kidding anyway but what she said next has stuck with me since.

Megan said, “Then I thought, ‘Well good, because she’d never put up with your crap anyway.‘”

Megan’s boyfriend at the time wasn’t great. He wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t awesome. He was…okay. But when you have a friend like Megan that is in the top 3% in the universe of awesome girls, this guy didn’t come close to deserving her.

I knew that. I think other people knew that.

But did she know that?

Because her comment that I wouldn’t put up with his crap made me think…

Then why do you?

If something is not okay for me, why is it okay for you?

I’ve had a similar example happen with my mom. My mom is one of the most precious, loving, hard-working women I know. She’s selfless to a fault. I’ve grown up watching her give her last dime to a stranger in need, wear old clothes from thrift stores to have money for someone else’s needs and cut her own hair because she feels like going to a salon is too much.

But when she sees me wearing a shirt that looks cheap or old, she is quick to tell me, “You need to get nice new clothes – expensive clothes. Don’t buy this cheap crap. That is unacceptable for you.”

And my mind goes to the same place.

Why is it acceptable for you?

In both of these situations, Megan and my mom could see that I value myself. I unapologetically proclaim myself as a priority in my own life. That doesn’t mean I don’t give and help others – I absolutely do. And because I value myself first, when I give and help others, it comes from a place of strength and abundance – not from a place of exhaustion, overcommitment, obligation or resentment.

Self-esteem, self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-confidence…they all start with SELF. Every day, by how you live your life, you are showing others what you believe about yourself and teaching them what they should believe about you. You teach people how to treat you and therefore you cannot complain about the things which you permit in your life.

When a girl complains that her boyfriend treats her like a doormat, my response is not “What a jerk!” My response is, “Why do you allow someone in your life that treats you like a doormat?”

You are always teaching people how to treat you – what is permissible for you and what is not. Set a good example for them by treating yourself well and clear your life of old clothes, destructive habits and bad people.

Let’s do a little Spring cleaning, shall we?

I turned the corner in the airport yesterday and was immediately distracted by a man screaming and cussing with arms flailing at an American Airlines employee behind the counter. Wow. I thought, What a jerk.

Now that was my immediate reaction. Snap judgement? Sure. But those few seconds were all I had to go on and my evaluation of him wasn’t complimentary. This made me think, I wonder if he is a really nice guy. I wonder if he just had a bad day, he’s tired and the airline has messed up his flight. I know a thing or two about that.

But in that moment, it didn’t matter. He was being a jerk.

But don’t we all do that sometimes?

It’s really easy to justify our frustrations, fits, mood swings, reactions and hostility when something goes wrong, a company has taken advantage of us or someone has treated us poorly. We have this perception of the type of person that we are and want to be (*nice, patient, forgiving, understanding, empathetic, etc.*) but when we act in some other way, we justify it. “The situation called for it.”

At the store, there is one lane open and 30 people in line while other employees are on their cell phones doing nothing.

At a restaurant, the server makes us wait for 45 minutes after we are finished eating to get our check.

At work, a coworker consistently doesn’t pull their weight which leads to more work for us to do.

Are these situations frustrating and down-right unacceptable? Absolutely.

But when you react in any of these situations by being hateful, condescending, impatient or unforgiving – you are no longer controlling the situation, (or yourself,) you are letting the situation control you.

If you feel like it’s okay to be a jerk when the situation calls for it, then at the end of the day, you’re still a jerk. Don’t let situations make you a jerk.

You can change your method, you can change your approach and you can even change your tone. But each of those attempts to correct or handle your situation needs to match up with the qualities that you believe to be true about your character.
Change your method, but still be nice.
Change your approach to get help, but still be forgiving.
Change your tone to seriousness, but still be understanding.

You want to be the type of leader that is consistent in character and the only way to achieve that is by being consistent in character. You can’t control other people and you can’t control situations. The one thing you can control is you.

A great way temper your emotions and attitude, even when it’s difficult and you feel totally justified in your anger, is to use this sentence as a guideline:

“I am going to _______________, because that’s who I am.”

Insert in the blank any of the qualities that you want to be true of you. (Even if they don’t come naturally right now.)
For example, be kind, loving, caring, dependable, honest, forgiving, understanding, patient, etc.

“I am going to treat people well because that’s who I am.”
…Not because they deserve it, not because it’s easy and not because they treat me well.

You treat people well because that’s who. you. are.

When you do this, you start believing positive qualities about yourself which builds confidence and you start living them out in real life – therefore becoming more and more like the person that you want to be.

And it works every time. The situation can change and the other person can change but one thing stays the same. You.

Be who you are.
All of the time.

Maybe you’ve had your heart broken. Twice. Ten times. Maybe even more,
Love anyway.

Maybe there are people completely undeserving of your love,
Love Anyway.

Maybe your faith is mocked,
Love anyway.

Maybe bitterness from past pain has settled in like a heavy coat,
Love anyway.

Love not because it’s easy, not because someone deserves it, not because fear is absent or your past pain has been erased, but love because it’s our response to the One who loved us first.

We love because He first loved us. – 1 John 4:19

One of my favorite posts on my personal blog was the one where I wrote about Love. I referenced this video in the post but I couldn’t resist posting it again in honor of Valentine’s Day. May it brighten your day of love like it has mine.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

So. In honor of the next 48 hours that I have off, I’d like to offer a few new things that I am going to try this weekend and I’d like to challenge you to try them too. Let’s give it a go.

1. Don’t look at or touch your phone when you are with someone.
   > Touching and looking at our phone isn’t a result of a need, right? The phone is not ringing every 2 minutes. It’s not going to grow legs and run away. Checking it obsessively is just a habit we’ve formed over time. We do it unconsciously. So we have to consciously create new habits – like leaving it the HEY alone! Don’t place it on the table in range of your peripheral vision and don’t have your hand on it ready to feel it vibrate in your jacket pocket. Just leave it alone. This makes the person you are with feel like a priority and allows you to fully be in the moment that you are actually in.
   .
2. Call a stranger by their name.
   >People love hearing their name. Next time you check out at Starbucks or Target, catch the name on their name tag and thank them personally. “Thank you, Susan. I appreciate it.” And then watch their response. It delights people to be called by name. And don’t you want to delight someone this weekend? Sure you do.
   .
3. Get outside.
   >The days are short and daylight is limited. Take advantage of your days off by enjoying some time outside when you can. It doesn’t matter if the high this weekend is thirty-three degrees, bundle up and go play outside. Take your dog for a walk, breathe some fresh air and let the sun shine on your face. If we wait until Daylight Savings or the warm weather is here to stay, we (I) may go into full-on depression. Plus, sunshine and fresh air has many benefits for your health such as more energy and reduced stress, so get on out there!
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4. Make a list of what you are grateful for in the morning.
   > Gratitude provides perspective. If you start your day with thoughts of thankfulness, you are intentionally setting your mindset in a state of contentment and joy. When you are grateful, you can also more likely handle any challenges you will face during your day. Write it down or just think about it while you are getting ready, but make a list and see how that mindset of gratitude produces joy without you really even trying. Happy weekend ahead. And you’re welcome.
   .
5. Be Still.
   >When you stop your mind, you create room for peace in your life. Go to a coffee shop or sit on a blanket outside at the park. Read your Bible. Meditate. Pray. Stop your mind for at least 30 minutes. Don’t do this at home (you’ll try to multitask and do laundry at the same time,) don’t do this where your phone is accessible, don’t use this time to make a to-do list of things you will do after your 30-minutes of peace. Just sit and be still with yourself and your thoughts. Can you do that? It’s not unproductive. It’s a valuable use of your time. It’s valuing YOU.

Some of these are hard for me (like #5) and some of them are just correcting bad habits I’ve formed (like #1) but I am going to challenge myself to do all of them this weekend.

What new things do you want to try this weekend?

That quote was Bullet #6 on Page 14 of my 21-page DISC profile assessment report under the category of “Strength Based Insights.”

When I read that, I was slightly offended. “I don’t manipulate people!”  Rarely do you ever hear that word used in a positive context, right? They even specified “in a positive way” to make that clear in my results. But when I looked up the definition of the word (because you can’t have a great blog post without a dictionary definition, #sarcasm) this is what I found:

The first two definitions are for the most part positive. Manipulation doesn’t have to be negative – it can also be to influence with skill. And if you are going to be a great leader, you’ve got to be able to influence well because that’s what leaders do – we influence. We also serve and initiate and lead by example, but if we aren’t making an influence, we probably aren’t making an impact.

Inspiring others can come naturally to certain personality types that are in touch with the emotional and social cues of people around them. They can adapt their communication, pick up on subtle unspoken needs and meet the person where they are in a way to activate and motivate them.

For other leaders with different personality styles and strengths, this can be more difficult.  If they are a very practical person, then they may try to compel someone with facts and statistics and spreadsheets. The only problem with this is that facts don’t compel people. The best ideas in the world don’t compel people.

Passion does.
Emotion does.
Excitement does.

And most of all, an invitation to experience something bigger than ourselves does.

Martin Luther King Junior didn’t have hundreds of thousands of people following him because he shared appalling facts and statistics about African-Americans in slavery. He spread a vision about equality and invited people to be a part of a movement. He communicated values and gave them something greater than themselves to identify with.

If you want to influence people well, you need to be passionate, communicate values and invite them to experience something bigger than themselves.

Running a marathon isn’t about covering 26.2 miles…
It’s about challenging yourself to do something you never thought you could do.  It’s about who you are and becoming the type of person you want to be.

Creating a new product at work isn’t about the item or the idea…
It’s about providing something for the marketplace that no one else is offering. It’s about serving the individual. It’s about offering help and hope to someone in need.

Setting a budget for your family isn’t about numbers or categories for cash…
It’s about having goals as a family that move your lives in the direction of your dreams. It’s about putting your values and priorities on paper.

Statistics, facts, logic and proven methods are necessities to backing up any initiative but they will never be able to carry it. You have to be able to first inspire, activate, motivate and influence. That’s the reason that Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has sold over 15 million copies. This art of influencing is core to success in the workplace and in life.

And when you become skilled at it, you will soon realize the great responsibility that comes with this new talent: the integrity of your intention. Because if you use your capacity for impact in a negative way, you shift from “influencing with skill” to “devious manipulation.” But that’s another post for another day.

Whether you are the leader of a corporation or the leader of your family, being able to develop this skill of influencing will be key to your success at having a following, furthering your vision and making an impact in this world.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Try to disown your fears. If you can remove yourself from the situation objectively, you can see it with a different perspective. Pretend your concerns aren’t yours but instead they are a friends’ concerns – what advice would you give them? Then give yourself that same advice. You see the situation differently when you remove yourself from your close personal attachment to the fears. Look at it from the outside and step out of the emotional pull of how big it seems to you.
   .
2. Look at the facts and write them down on paper. Realize that the fears are (in most cases) not logical and instead use your energy to dream up positive possibilities. Tim Sanders says “If you can worry, you can dream. It’s just a function of the imagination.”
   .
3. Take risks anyway. There will always be an element if risk if we are going to live life to the fullest and become great leaders. Make a choice to take those risks despite personal painful experiences that may have trained you to fear.
   .
   “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
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4. Check the source of your fear. I wasn’t scared about rain on my wedding day at all until people started mentioning it. If another person is stirring doubt in you, you have the power to reject it. Fear is located in your mind and it’s your choice as to what you allow to live there and which thoughts you own. Choose not to let those thoughts in. Fear is the enemy of confidence and you can combat fears by simply resting in confidence.
   .
   Also, if your thoughts are on a downward spiral (which women are notorious for,) stop the cycle and check the truth of those thoughts. Check them with what God says about you. God doesn’t function in fear so if you are feeling convicted, you will know the difference between conviction and fear. I’d be willing to bet that 100% of the time those negative thoughts are untrue about you. Listen to what God says about you to combat the negative train of thought.
   .
5. Recognize what you can control and work on it. Recognize what you can’t control and trust God with it.

Most of all, don’t wait until you aren’t afraid to do the thing you are called to do. If you wait until you aren’t scared, you’ll never do it.  Paula Rinehart writes, “God doesn’t erase fear from the blackboard of our lives. Rather He grows our souls by the sometimes hugely uncomfortable experience of trusting Him as we do the thing that’s frightening.”

***

Before starting this blog, the voices in my head said the following:

“You don’t have anything to say.”

“Anything you could write has already been written.”

“Why even try… no one will read it.”

“Who are you kidding trying to speak on this stuff? You aren’t a psychologist. No one cares what you think.”

…And on and on and on.

And yet in my fear, here I am.

The obstacles that prevent us from becoming great leaders are the same that inhibit our ability to maintain successful relationships, succeed at work, pursue our dreams, risk, take on new challenges and live life to the fullest. If we can identify and overcome some of these common themes in our lives, then not only will our leadership improve, every area of our lives will improve.

The first obstacle that we need to recognize and overcome is one of the ugliest: fear. Fear is at the root of many other obstacles that we will cover such as doubt, anger, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness and defensiveness. It holds us back from all that life has to offer and if we give into it, can kill our spirit long before our body actually dies.

Fear is difficult to tackle because it only lives in one place: your mind. It’s as if your sense of fear is designed specifically to prey on your personal story, your personal wounds and your personal dreams. And fear has many traits that we need to be aware of.

1. Your fear is always bigger in your mind. Someone else’s fear seems small to you because it isn’t yours. You haven’t owned that fear so it doesn’t compel or affect you. But your fears, things you worry about and are afraid of, are magnified to you because you do own them. They do compel you and they do affect you. It’s much bigger when it’s yours.
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2. Fear isn’t based on facts. Fear is based on your imagination, hypothetical situations, the tormenting “What if…” that haunts your thoughts. If you could remove yourself from the situation and look at it purely based on facts, 9 times out of 10 there is nothing to be afraid of. But when our mind is intoxicated with our worried thoughts, we can’t see it that way. Fear is the negative use of your imagination.
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3. Fear trains us. I’ve never forgotten the time that my car was rear-ended in a busy intersection when I was 16. Still to this day, I check my rear-view mirror frantically anytime I stop in an intersection to make sure I’m not going to get hit. Fear does that to us – it trains us. Our list of fears can almost always point to specific instances where we experienced pain or loss. That wound or memory has built a wall of fear around it vowing to “never be hurt like that again.” It trains us to experience less and less as the list of pains and fears grows over time.
   .
4. Fear is fueled. It may be fueled by a paranoid friend, a stressed-out co-worker or just the voices in our own head but our own personal fears will always be fueled. I am getting married on May 5 of this year outside and I have had at least 10 people tell me, “Oh, I would never do that. What if it rains? Aren’t you scared it’s going to rain?” Their concern is valid but Matt and I have a rain plan and we are excited and confident that our wedding will be wonderful, regardless of the weather. Creating doubt or fueling fears does nothing to help the situation.
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   Often our fears are fueled the most by our own thoughts. Instead of taunting us with the question of “What if,” it progresses to attacking us with accusations.  Instead of seeding doubt by asking “What if you can’t do it? What if you fail?” the voices become “You can’t do it. You will fail and you will look stupid to everyone around you.”
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5. Fear provokes control. When things are scary, we frantically try to control them. This is a good thing if it’s something we can control. If we can’t however, it simply produces anxiety.

Fear is one of the most destructive motivations behind our behavior. It’s motivating for sure, but not in a productive way. If we can identify moments when fear is controlling us or holding us back, it will be much easier to overcome it and live the life we are called to and dream of.

In Fear, Part 2, we will address how to combat and overcome it.